Packard Sonic’s Blog
From the mind of Packard Sonic. Buckle up for this ride!

And the loneliness fills my heart.

Well here it is just a few days from my birthday, and I will be yet another year older.

During this time in a persons life, most would have family and friends around them or at least hope to as its not like it’s a national holiday or anything but something more personable to each one of us. Some dread it coming while others look forward to each and every one. Mostly those who are not old enough to do things that someone a few years older or so is already able to do. Vote, drink, drive, or make the bigger decisions that will affect their lives for years to come for the good or the bad. Growing up the youngest kid in a some what large family, you would think that there would be stronger ties between us all, yet there are so few that have held us together. Lately, it seems the only thing that keeps us together is simple gravity. As none of any of us live anywhere near each other its hard to keep in touch. Sure we have the internet today, phones, snail mail… But yet, even with the things that should help bring us closer together it also pushes us further apart at the same time. When I was younger, hadn’t yet been married, had kids and divorced, I had spent a lot of my time alone. Usually walking someplace, watching TV, or trying to solve a problem on the computer when I used to program on my old Apple ][e. Being alone then it bothered me a little, sometimes I enjoyed it but being young I was always able to find something to do to keep myself from feeling alone in life, but now…. I can’t see the same things in my life to keep me distracted like I could then.

What about your friends? you may be asking.. When I was younger I move round a lot and finding true friends was not easy to find. Sometimes ended up around the wrong type of people that were going to get me nowhere but trouble. Sadly that did happen a time or two, however I was able to be able to keep myself from getting in to deep into all that. But not enough it seems that the history is still there and it effected my growth as an individual.

So, am I going around throwing kittens in to trees, running down people and robbing liquor stores? Well OBVIOUSLY NOT! However the every man for himself attitude seems to rubbed off on me and as such its been hard for me to learn to trust others, as when I had trusted the people around me they turned against me in most ways that its not even worth mentioning here. So here I sit…. Alone… Trying to trust others and being left disappointed every time I try. Do I stop trying? No. I take precautions and keep the people around me at a “safe” distance from me and not letting them in all the way, or at the very least only letting them know what only whats important at the time. Always worried that they will try to do the same thing that the others in my past have done to take advantage of me.

When I was married, I still was unable to fill that void. Not that I didn’t try to fill it with what I could do, but I failed it seems. At some point I may give up trying, but not today. Or anytime soon I hope. Sometimes I wonder with the adversities that I had experienced in my life why I never turned to drugs or alcohol to try to fill the gaps in my life. I always attributed it to having a strong will, but at the same time that strong will is crushing my life in to the loneliness that I bare today.

Well until that loneliness that fills me can be replaced with something or someone that I can believe in 100%. As I don’t see that happening anytime soon, I will trudge along in life, alone and lonely.

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