Packard Sonic’s Blog
From the mind of Packard Sonic. Buckle up for this ride!

When trust and love is lost.

I have a hard time trusting people. Especially when it comes to relationships.  Some may say “what a lonely way to live”. But its served me well to keep people at arms length at times. When I do let someone in to my circle of trust they had taken the time to build that trust with me and its over a long time. But no matter how long its taken to build that trust, it balances on a very narrow pillar. It can sway from time to time, but if the foundation of that trust is built properly, it can withstand a lot of sway. But then comes to a point where that sway is so great, that no matter the foundation it breaks. Recently that’s happened to me. I gave someone my ultimate trust. I gave them my heart and my feelings for them. In return they were destroyed as if it were nothing. Did I ever really mean anything to them if they were able to take my feelings and toss them aside as if they were nothing? What’s worse it was with someone else I had let in to my circle of ultimate trust. That was a mistake. What’s over all the worst part of this? That I am the one to blame. I took a flawed model of whom I trust and applied it to them and when I confided in them that at some point they would betray me just like the rest did in the same manor as the rest they “reassured me they could never do that.” What a crock if shit! But, being the type of person I am I gave them the benefit of doubt and trust that this time it was going to be different. This was not going to be like it was with people in my past. Yet…… It still happened almost to a tea of what has happened before. How disappointing. Most of that disappointment is of myself. I actually believed in this could be different. But again my previous inclinations were proven to be correct. They overall weren’t trustworthy of neither affections nor good stewards of my love and feelings for them.

 

Will I trust again? At this point…. I really don’t know. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of being the fall guy. I’m tired of giving a damn and then discarded like a piece of garbage.

 

Over all I’m just tired… Mainly of people that will use your affections to their own ends because no one else wants to hear it anymore.

 

I’m tired of trying to be happy in life. My life has been one disappointing thing after another. Oh I’m happy for a little while, but the times of happiness are becoming shorter and shorter.

 

Do i deserve to be happy? Ultimately… No. I do not. Do I deserve to find someone that will stand by me no matter what? Again no I do not. Would I like for it to happen? I’ve been wanting it to happen so much now that its become like a trip down a long road with no end in sight. Maybe the road of happiness I’m trying to get to is on another path or maybe I should just stop looking. Sadly, happiness will come back again to trust.  And because of what the people in the past had done to me, it will take earning that trust even more and they will eventually tire of trying to gain that trust and do the same thing the others had done to me. Toss me aside like trash.

 

But when, not if it happens, i at least wont have to feel the knife of betrayal in my back yet again.

 

So be aware if I don’t trust you right away, its not you nor me but what others had done to me before. They are to blame.

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4 Responses to “When trust and love is lost.”

  1. Sending a huge hug to someone I have always loved and respected; you will always be my friend and I am sorry someone was stupid enough to let you go. I believe you do deserve love. You are a really great guy, and I hope someone who appreciates you comes into your life.

  2. Thank you. That means a lot to me. 🙂

  3. It is wise to take care about these things but probably not good to decide to isolate yourself and give up on a big part of life. You do not know what is yet to happen in your life.

    With me, real trust develops slowly and it is a matter of experience. Only experience with a person gives you reason to trust them, that and the nature of the person you are with. How do you come to know the nature of a person? Via experience with them. Weird and inconvenient, eh?

    I really lucked up good in the marriage department but there most definitely was an element of chance in that.

    Life is not over. It just seems that way sometimes.

  4. I was in an bad place emotionally when I wrote that. But thank you for your words. 🙂


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